Thursday, February 28, 2013

It Gets Better? - Day 59

Tonight I am posting for tomorrow and my picture will put me at risk of looking like I drink a lot of wine. Just  to be clear I ordered all my supplies from RepurposePDX. A great store with great prices and fast shipping.

I was going to wait till after the weekend to write, but someone said something that got me thinking. And that is always the best time for me to write. When it's fresh and on my mind...

"Just wait till you are out of high gets better!"

I hear this all the time and it makes me sad. You would wonder why...School was horrible for me and you would think that this would give me warm happy feelings inside. It doesn't. It makes me fear for my children. I sometimes wonder what kind of a message this statement is teaching our kids. I think they have good intentions, but going about it the wrong way and with the wrong words.

I sit here writing. Almost 30 and I am not sure that people's judgments have gotten any better. I get it from every side sometimes it seems. There are days I don't know if I would have made it through if I didn't have God on my side.

Are those all YOUR kids?
You're TRYING for a boy aren't you? 
I can't believe you are SO close minded!
Keep YOUR beliefs to yourself!

Why don't you SHARE more?
You share TOO much!

I can't believe you have PURPLE hair!
Why can't you be NORMAL? 
Why DON'T you homeschool all of your children?
You actually BELIEVE the Bible?

People's thoughts and judgments come at you everyday. Sometimes people have good intentions. They truly want to know why you do something or why you believe something. Other times people just want to be cruel. We have this belief that people grow up, but I don't always think this is true. Perhaps some of us do.

Stop wishing your life to go faster just in the hopes that it will get better. Start focusing on something that actually matters. YOU and who God made you to be. What helps me is knowing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He's made me into this person that I am. Molded me and formed me. He didn't make me to be normal, because what is that anyway? Nope...He made me a daughter who doesn't always fit in, but always belongs in His hands.

I have become less of a people pleaser and more of a God pleaser. Someone who cares more about what He thinks and less about what the lady in the Library thinks. I have come to love who I am more, knowing the one WHO created me. And that is what has made it get better. 

Day 59 - Re-purposed Heart


A Patient Heart - Day 56-59

I forget sometimes how long it's going to take to do things. I start doing something thinking it will only take a few minutes to later realize it's going to take me weeks!

My kids need me.
The phone rings.
Dishes need to be done.
The list goes one...

I get to a point where I just want to give up. And to be honest with you sometimes I do...just...give...UP! I talk often with my girls about patience and just gave a Sunday school lesson on it. It's hard to admit that I am not a patient person at all. I was reminded of this when I started a project this week thinking it would take me a day. Then a few days later realizing that I am not as fast at this stuff as I would like to think. I want to give up on it, but I won't. (But for now you have a unfinished project picture!)

I have to come to the conclusion that as humans we are just not naturally patient. I mean think about you day and how you react to your kids or coworkers. Why is your typical response? Mine it one of impatience. Frustrations. Irritation.

I find that with recovery people can be very impatient. If you are the one recovering you want it to be done quick. A lot of times dealing with an eating disorder means that you are dealing with past issues you would rather not think about. Yet wanting to overcome it means that you need to overcome the past as well. As family and friends often times you see that someone is eating better so you see them as doing better. You just want to see the issue gone. Sadly it's a long journey. One that takes patience from everyone involved. Find encouragement from those who have been through it. Reach out. Remember that in the end it's all worth it. Don't give up.

Day 56- Keys to my Heart

Day 57- Family has my Heart

Day 58- A Heart for Games
Day 59- Heart for Warmth

A couple of pictures from their outdoor adventures. These two would spend hours playing in the snow. Too bad it's so cold out there!


Monday, February 25, 2013

The Color of Your Heart - Day 51-55

I was painting a heart with The Diva. She's quite the talker. She can go on and on about just about anything.

"I love the color of your heart mama!"
"Thanks dear. I love yours too."
"What color is your real heart?"
"Pretty sure it's red."
"Ah! The color of WOVE!"

I had never actually thought about it. Red. The color of love. Passion. Forgiveness. Redemption. My heart's color once was black. The color of filth. Sadness. Darkness. Sin. What an amazing transformation. What a wonderful thought to have. 

What's the color of your real heart? Not the one you pretend to have. Not the one you try to cover up. The real one that only you and God see....

Day 51 - 3 Hearts for 3 Friends

Day 52 - Window Cling Heart

Day 53 - Thumb Heart Flowers

Day 54 - Living Hearts
Day 55 - Chore Hearts


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Celebrate Your Heart - Day 47-50

My middle child (The Destroyer) just turned 5! It's a huge birthday in our house. It takes my breath away and I am still in denial that I have three that are 5 and older! She's been waiting since she was 3 to turn 5.

"How old will you be?"
"I be 5!" She would say as she held up 3 fingers! Oh that just brings a smile to my face.

She's my little ball of energy! I blame it on her curly hair. She infects me with her laugh and smile. She brings joy to anyone who is around her. She is for sure our middle child and as someone mentioned the other day she has a strong case of it!

I watch her and she helps remind me that life should be enjoyed. If I am not enjoying what I am doing...I should start doing it differently. She's the one who started me listening to music while I do dishes (which is ALL the time!)...

"Mom! Why isn't there music in here?" Great question girly! Music soothes my soul and brings me comfort. I listen to it everywhere and yet I wasn't listening to it in the one room that brings me the most stress and I spend the most time in! She's a bright one!

I am thankful for this girl. She celebrates life. She brings joy and has helped bring so much healing into my life. I thank God for her everyday! It's been a great birthday week!

Day 47 - The birthday girl helped make this!

Day 48 - Heart Flowers

Day 49 - I love when my daughters make me stuff...and add a little heart! 

Day 50 - Color Your Heart


Friday, February 15, 2013

A Baby's Heart - Day 46

I remember that strange feeling I had 9 years ago on this day. We had just found out on our first valentines as a married couple that we had a little one on the way. My feelings were mixed and so confusing. We were that couple. You know the ones...We had just gotten married and we were going to wait 2 years before we had children. So you can imagine the shock we felt 2 months after we got married seeing those red lines.

I couldn't believe it! I had always wanted to be a mom, it was something I dreamed about, but I can admit that I just didn't feel 100% ready. We wanted to feel grounded in our marriage. Move overseas and get settled into our lives as missionaries. This was not in our plan.

I worried how I was going to handle it all. I was still getting over the excitement of the wedding. I felt emotionally overwhelmed with school starting back up. I was just getting use to sharing my life with my husband and now there was a new little one getting ready to take over. I wasn't sure my emotions could take much more.

There is this feeling you start to feel. It creeps up so slowly, but once you have lived with an eating disorder you know it well. You try to ignore it. Don't want to give it attention for fear it might grow out of hand. But ignoring it doesn't help any. Those desires to hold on tight to control. I could feel myself getting closer and closer to losing it and giving into urges to restrict myself. Gaining baby weight was only going to make that worse.

I am thankful that my husband has always been very watchful over my behaviors. He can see when I am starting to struggle with my thoughts and he can see when stress gets to be a little too much. He has always been a great support for me. I am also thankful that God's plans are not our own plans. Thankful that after giving us our first kid he then blessed us with 4 more!

Day 46 - Lovely Hearts


Thursday, February 14, 2013

Day Full of Hearts - Day 45

My blog just wouldn't be right if I didn't write a post on Valentines Day! I had a wonderful finale planned for today, but the girls and I ran out of time, but we will do it tomorrow since they all have a no school day! So come back tomorrow for the fun idea!

I had this plan for my husband today. He arrives home in the early hours of the morning. I taped a little something to the front door...

Then as he crossed the house to the bathroom he should have stumbled into this....

I knew the bathroom door would be a place he would see this...

He doesn't want to bother us in the early morning so up to the attic he goes
and should find this on the door...

And finally sitting on his couch upstairs...

One small problem...he didn't turn the lights on while he was going through the house. So he only saw the first one and the last one! When he saw the last one he thought..."When did we get the girls nerf guns?" Sigh...He didn't even see the sign on it! I finally woke up to show him all his stuff! 

My husband knows me well. He knows that after a birthday this is probably my favorite time of the year. Heaping great amounts of love out on people is something that I love to do. He knows that personalized gifts are something that can almost bring me to tear! So when I saw the glass jar that he had etched into holding flowers, with the middle one my all time favorite...they had almost started falling down my face. He knows how to speak to my heart in little ways. Our morning date of coffee and talking was a great way to start/end our day. 

These are some pictures of our hairdos the last couple of days. I hope you enjoy! Happy Valentines day everyone!


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

What Heart? - Days 40-44

My girls love to play this game. It's simply called the "What" game. The whole purpose of it is to get someone to say what. You would be surprised at how hard it is not to say what. Once you say it...well then you're "it". It's ridiculously fun and somewhat annoying all at the same time. 

The girls are constantly trying to find new ways to get us to say what. The Destroyer our 4 year old (soon to be 5) came up with the most creative thing yet...

"Mom I have a knock knock joke!"
"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"

ARGH!! She had gotten me! I didn't see that coming AT all! My kids are getting too good at this game and my husband and I are having to be trickier and more alert when it comes to way "WHAT!"

I think about how often what comes into play in my life. What am I going to do today? What should I wear? What should we eat? What am I to do with my life? They pound our souls every day. Wanting to overwhelm us with with the unknowns of the future. 

I often think about what Jeremiah 29 says...
"For I know the plans I have for you, 
declares the Lord,
 plans for welfare and not for evil, 
to give you a future and a hope."

I have always kept this verse close to my heart. When I would sit in the deep blackness of life I would repeat this verse over and over again in my head. There were times that I doubted this verse. I thought and wondered how any good could come from my life...How could there be hope in my future? It's in these times it's important to remember that our world is full of evil people who do evil things. That what those people do and intend for evil God will use for good. (Genesis 50:20)

So to answer those what questions I believe keeping these verses near is important. Truth to defeat lies. 

Day 40- Cup of Heart
Day 41 - Crayon Heart

Day 42- Yarn Hearts

Day 43 - Balloon Surprise Hearts

Day 44 - Heart Snake


Friday, February 8, 2013

A Heart That Weeps - Days 36-39

It's funny isn't it...How your heart can feel as if it's crying. The pain the strikes it and then as if it can't do anything else it begins to pour tears. This week my heart has been through a ton of emotions. I am not the type to show physical emotion. I share plenty of my emotions in my writing and that seems to do it for me...

However, this week tears keep flooding my eyes. I've heard the word cancer all too many times in my life. My uncle, my cousin, my grandfather...yet it seems so much more unfair when it's a sweet little girl who fills the world with joy. I have a wonderful friend in town. She's like a sister to me. Our times together are filled with sweet, wonderful talks about God, The Bible, our children, our husbands...our lives. She's taught me so much in the couple of years I have known her. She's encouraged me to grow in my walk with Christ and has taught me so much about mothering my little girls. So when I heard that her little one was diagnosed with skin cancer it was that same pain I have felt before. Like my heart was going to burst if the tears weren't let out.

So this week my heart has been in a different place. Wanting to bless their lives as they leave town to get more test and more answers. It's in moments like these that you just feel like you can't do enough. You would do anything to take that pain away from them. Words aren't there...because words just aren't enough. It was this week that all of my strength was gone...I was brought to my the only place that could make sense of anything. In His presence. Where He is able to make things bearable...and at some point understandable.

Perhaps it's the fact that I still grieve for the loss of my loved ones. In those moments when it was so hard to deal with sickness and pain I put off saying goodbye till the last moment. Denial rocks your mind because it's the only thing you know how to do at that moment. Denial is what you used to survive for most of your life. Denial is what robs you of having precious moments. Christ is who must take the place of that denial and the only one who can take shame away. The only one who can let you know that it's all going to be ok.

It's in these moments I know I am vulnerable. Vulnerable to letting old habits back in. Vulnerable to attacks of thinking I need control. It's in these times I need to be vulnerable to Christ. I need to give it up. I need to let it go. I need to remember that He is the one in control.

Please if you have a moment say a prayer for my friend and her family. Say a prayer for her little one. Traveling mercies...Good test results. That God will be with them.

Day 36- Traveling Hearts
Day 37 - Child's Heart (I let my daughters creation make it on the blog today!)

Day 38 - Heart Reminders

Day 39 - Heart Haiku


Monday, February 4, 2013

Change of Heart - Days 32-35

I am making some changes on how I do these blogs. I am going to combine a few days of work into one. This will help me keep my sanity and will allow for a bit more freedom in when and how I do my projects. I think this will also work best with our family's schedule. We are a large family with busy lives. This will help it be a bit less chaotic in the day. 

I have found that a chaotic life makes for chaotic memories. I don't want to go through my week having a more difficult time remembering what happened. I want the memories to stay fresh and remind me of why I love my life so much. Life is chaotic enough and we don't need to bring extra things into it just to make it more hectic. 

Have you taken time lately to evaluate your life and the amount of chaos you have? Are things too chaotic? Are you missing something??? When life gets busy we can often miss key triggers in our lives or our children's lives. We can miss signs that something isn't right. We can miss important opportunities to teach our children about key life lessons through out of normal day...all because we've added chaos. 

My change of heart...

Day 32 - Kids love

Day 33 - Walk With Heart (Pen)
Day 34 - Soap Heart

Day 35 - Directions for Heart